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Saturday, April 18, 2015

I have a hangover and this dungeon hates you

Last night I overindulged and now my everything feels gross. Sherief Gaber wants ideas for ways to make his players miserable without making them fight things. Turns out these things go well together. Here's my response.

Simple things:

A river to cross, and no bridges or boats (danger of being swept away, metal rusts, paper ruined, food rations ruined, excess weight increases chances of drowning)

A rainy night and a bad tent (again, damaged equipment, but also risk of hypothermia, and it's more or less impossible to sleep well, if at all, when your bed roll is soaked)

In the morning after all this bullshit you discover several poisonous spiders have laid eggs in your armour. Do you dare try to get them out?

Also in dungeons everything that takes time also uses up light (and vice versa. Light is dungeon-time.) Fill the darkness with awful things.

The bridge across the underground chasm is long and weak. It looks like it can just barely support one lightly - encumbered person at a time, and they'd better not run. Also something is snoring below.

And good luck getting all your stuff through that crawlspace. And mind the stalagmites, they're sharp.

This hallway is flooded four feet deep.

Basically just drown them.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

dr. strabismus & the babi carbuncle

Not all D&D sessions are fun to write up but I expect this one will be.

I was a player (for once) in Mateo Diaz's Pernicious Albion.

Dramatis Personae

  • Arnold K as a Goldenloin, 1st-level Warlock and former child prostitute.
  • Anxious Princess (formerly known as Wil) as Grover Moses, 1st-level specialist.
  • Jessica Nobletush (male, despite the name), 1st-level vampire, played by yours truly. Also his enchanted thrall Mr. Crushmore.
A wizard sent us into some old dungeon to catch a carbuncle that was living in there, and/or, extract the gem from its head, before the local zoological society could get their filthy preservationist paws on it. The prize was something like 2000 gp. So at this point it was just me and Arnold and we bought some nets and went to the dungeon.

Then we got to the dungeon and Mateo asked if we had torches and we were like "fuck" and rustled up some sticks or something and went in.

We explored so much of the dungeon you guys:

it felt kind of good being Those Fucking Players who explore 2 rooms and ditch
The first room was full of pressure plates with pictures of animals. We managed to figure out the room's like thematics (the west side was nice animals and east was mean animals) and we figured out that the unicorn tile makes the dungeon rumble or something and then we left the room because players.

So we went out the west door and found a room full of corpses which it soon turned out was also full of centipedes so we left.

Back in the first room there was the Carbuncle and we were like yesssss so Arnold offered it some cheese and the rules we're using it don't distinguish between humanoids and other things for the Charm spell so I made it love me and we cuddled it and then we wrapped it up in a net.

Then the zoological society showed up and they were assholes and were like GIVE US THE CARBUNCLE and we tried to lie to them but they pulled guns. So we bolted back towards the centipede room. Then we go there and Mateo mentioned the west wall was made of stucco. I bet he mentioned this like three times before but players. So anyway I was like OHHHHH STUCCO and sent Mr. Crushmore to body check it and there was a secret passage.

Then we found a way out of the dungeon and there was a pool of water with something metal sticking out of which I took but now I forget what it was.

Anyway we get out there and I stretch my net. Before long their leader whose name is Dr. Strabismus or something, I got it his name wrong like 100 times. Anyway so he tore through the net and fell flat on the ground. So I ran him through with my rapier and we looted his body. We found a really goth looking black ring and my character is kinda goth so I took it. Then Mateo told us both to check our G+ messages.

Fun fact: Out of the last 9 D&D sessions I've played in, my character has died or gone insane in 6. Not counting this one.
So I tried really hard to play it cool and I was like "so we're stealing horses and heading back to town?" and Arnold was like "yeah we have 5 horses let's go" and I was like "ohhh but who has the Carbuncle" and he was like "I do but I'm tiny so you should take it" and I was like "ok that sounds normal."

Then halfway back to town I was like YOU FOOL I WAS POSSESSED BY THE BAD GUY THE WHOLE TIME and rode off into the sunset and rolled up stats for Mr. Crushmore.

So we headed to town and set a trap for possessed-Jessica by suspending a rope across the entrance to the town and when Jessica came riding in he flew off the horse and broke all his bones. At which point I scooped him into his coffin (he carries it around) and we started talking about what to do with him. Arnold wanted to cut off the finger with the ring on it but the wording of the Charm person Crushmore is under indicates that Mr. Crushmore is in love with Jessica so I wasn't having that. Eventually Arnold decided to discard his weapons and use some strings to slip the ring off the finger. In order to make sure Arnold didn't get possessed, Mr. Crushmore mentioned that whatever question he asked after removing the ring, the answer was "3 geese."

So when Wil showed up there was a child with strings wrapped around the fingers of a badly mangled vampire and a big burly man hovering over him with his fist ready to knock him out. Jessica's demeanor changed some.

Arnold said, "Jessica, say something only Jessica would know!"

Jessica said, "3 geese."

It's their safe word. <3

Anyway so I'm Jessica again now.

Then we were like oh but what about this evil fucking ring. So I tied a worm around it and put the worm (now possessed by Dr. Strabismus) in a bag. Then we went into an inn and Arnold started a betting pool going to rope suckers into feeding me their blood so I could regenerate HP.

At this point we spent a while deciding what body to put Dr. Strabismus in. We decided a turtle would be funniest. So we dropped a bunch of money on a turtle and a special shell modification that would keep hold the ring in contact with the turtle.

Finally we went back to the magician who set us on this job with the Carbuncle, which still loved me.

ME: So, will extracting the gem hurt the Carbuncle?
MATEO: Oh, it'll be excruciating.
ME: Will it survive?
MATEO: Absolutely not.

While we argued about how we might save the poor thing or whether we should at all the magician's assistant came in, collected the creature and handed us our reward money.

MATEO: They take it into another room.
ARNOLD: I get up and leave.
ME: Yeah I'm out of here.
MATEO: Okay well you hear it-
WIL: I'm gone.
ME: We're all gone.
MATEO: From outside you hear it shrieking.

So Mateo's a jerk. Anyway.

Our plans for the future involve bewitching Dr. Strabismus into liking us while he's still trapped in a turtle's body, then when he's loyal to us we'll put the ring on like an ogre or something.

I love D&D.

End.







I FUCKING KILLED YOU

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Immortal Athkan

Some context:

This is a deity for use with Logan Knight's Mystic rules.

Hook is the city in which my campaign is based.

Zekel is the chief and official deity in Hook. But this is not about Zekel.


A holy symbol of  Immortal Athkan

Immortal Athkan was once a general in the service of Hook. No one ever managed to best him in battle.

When he died, he refused to stop defending hook.

He now lies, usually dead, inside the Mound, in a specially guarded tomb. His skeleton and armour have grown to the height of 20 feet. He is a god, and cannot be Turned.

When Hook is in danger, Immortal Athkan rises from his tomb and goes to fight the foe. His bones are covered in gold.

Immortal Athkan is a god of valour and battle. He and his adherents value ruthlessness and defeat of one's enemies above all else - to be carried out with honour and fearlessness, rather than fear and subtlety.

It is illegal to worship Immortal Athkan, except when the city is under attack, in which case it is mandatory, and elaborate shrines are set up atop the Temple of Zekel. Zekel hates Athkan and the rulers of Hook can expect to suffer once he resumes his rest.

This means that Hookish worshipers of Immortal Athkan must carry out their practice in secret - a condition that Immortal Athkan deplores, but of which he accepts the necessity. For now.

Inherent Abilities
Battle Reader
Whenever you travel somewhere where a great battle has taken place, you can hear its echoes. With the erection of a small shrine to Immortal Athkan and a successful Wisdom check, you can learn of the battle's history and secrets.

Medic
You may attempt to heal wounds suffered in combat. (One attempt only):

4d6          Restore
18-24          Success
15-17          Success/Bestowed Mark
13-14          Bestowed Mark
7-12            Malpractice
4-6              Brilliant Manifestation of Divinity

Secret Keeper
Immortal Athkan occasionally bestows his followers with secret knowledge. These are to be kept guarded at all costs, or face terrible retribution. (You are excommunicated if you divulge the information to any NPC or player.)

Liturgies of Immortal Athkan

The First Liturgy (Cleric level 1)
In the order of the manifestation of bones and weapons, the bolstering of combat prowess, speaking to the spirits of dead soldiers.

The Second Liturgy (Cleric level 3)
In the order of sensing enemies, seeing enemies at a distance, enlisting the aid of dead soldiers, moderately enlarging humanoids.

The Third Liturgy (Cleric level 5)
In the order of the manifestation of skeletal warriors, terrible omens, the invocation of fear in the hearts of rivals, the infliction of curses, the infliction of smiting blows.

The Fourth Liturgy (Cleric level 7)
In the order of the granting of immunity to, and removal of, diseases, poisons, and toxins, increasing humanoids to giant size, the manifestation of baroque structures and siege weapons made of bone.

The Fifth Liturgy (Cleric level 9)
In the order of the permanent reanimation of those recently slain in battle, the temporary reanimation of any corpse, the summoning of skeletal armies, the manifestation of towering skeletal avatars.

The Secret Sixth Liturgy (Cleric level 13)
The awakening of Immortal Athkan himself.

Favour
Gain Favour with Immortal Athkan by performing actions that please him. For example:

1 point
  • Officiate the burial of a fallen soldier
  • Induct a convert into the cult of Immortal Athkan
  • Publicly flagellate a liar
5 points
  • Slay an enemy army, leaving no survivors
  • Remove a coward or liar from a position of power
15 points
  • Kill, in a fair fight, a powerful ruler, and claim their holdings in Immortal Athkan's name
  • Lead an army in a pledge of eternal service to Immortal Athkan

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Adding Music and Sound Effects to your Skype and Hangout Games

Back when I lived in the same city as the people I played D&D with, I liked playing music off my laptop to set the mood.

Since we switched to Skype for our games, that dimension has been lacking.

I've seen other DMs go to all sorts of lengths to get audio in their online games, including playing it really loud off of other computers so their mics pick it up. This is easier and you'll get better sound.

I fixed it, and now I'm gonna fix it for you. You're welcome.

This tutorial will allow you broadcast audio playing through your computer, such as from iTunes, a video, a game, or what have you, without your players' voices getting mixed in.

NOTE: This only works on Windows, and my instructions are for Windows 7. So Mac users, sorry. People using other versions of Windows might need to poke around to find the settings they're looking for. EDIT: Mac users see below for info.

Step 1. Get voicemeeter.
Voicemeeter is a free software/plugin that lets you mix and redirect audio. You can download it here. Install that shit.

Step 2. Download and install the Virtual Audio Cable.
It's from the same site. It helps feed things from one audio source to another. They make it sound like you need to make a donation to use it but it's actually free. Download it here.

Step 3. Restart your computer.

Step 4. Open voicemeeter.
Before we continue let's have a quick look at voicemeeter's interface.

You've got three inputs: Two Hardware and one Virtual. The Hardware inputs detect sounds from mics and such. The Virtual Input detects sounds from your computer. There's also the Hardware Output, which will show you both what your speakers are hearing and what you're broadcasting.

Each Input has two little round "A" and "B" buttons. The "A" stands for "audit", which means you'll be able to listen to that input. The "B" stands for "Broadcast," meaning your players will be able to hear it.

Step 5. Set up voicemeeter.
First get your mic set up. Click on the first Hardware input and select "MME: [whatever your mic is called]." Turn off the "A" for Hardware Input 1 (meaning only the "B" button should be green). This is so you don't have to listen to your own mic all the time.

Click on the second Hardware Input and select "MME: Hi-Fi Cable: VB-Audio etc." This is the channel you're going to use to listen to your game, so turn off the "B" so your players don't get an echo.

Click on Hardware Out and select your speakers or headset.

Step 6. Change your system audio settings
Right-click the little speaker icon at the bottom-right corner of the screen and select "Playback devices." Right-click "Voicemeeter Input" and select "Set as Default Device". Your sound will start feeding into voicemeeter's Virtual Input. If you have it configured correctly, you should still be able to hear your audio, and you should see activity on the Virtual Input monitor. Play some music or something to make sure that's happening.

Step 7. Configure Skype or Hangouts
This step is to prevent feeding your players' voices back to them. Open Skype or a Hangout.

In Skype:
Select Call ---> Audio Settings. Click on the drop-down menu for Microphone and select "VoiceMeeter Output." This means Skype will hear what VoiceMeeter is broadcasting. Go to the drop-down menu for Speakers and select "Hi-Fi Cable Input (VB-Audio etc.)." This means the audio from Skype will be processed through VoiceMeeter's Hardware Input 2, which if configured correctly will allow you to hear it but won't broadcast it back to the other players.

In Hangouts:
Start a new Video Hangout. Click on the gear symbol at the top of the screen to access your settings. Click on the microphone menu and select "VoiceMeeter Output." Click on the Speaker menu and select "Hi-Fi Cable Input.(VB-Audio etc.)" This means the audio from Hangouts will be processed through VoiceMeeter's Hardware Input 2, which if configured correctly will allow you to hear it but won't broadcast it back to the other players.

Done. Congratulations. Run your game, play your music, it should all work from here.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Nothing will work at all once you close voicemeeter - you won't be able to hear any sound and your friends won't be able to hear you. To remedy this, you can either a) keep voicemeeter open at all times or b) when you close voicemeeter, right-click the little speaker icon at the bottom-right corner of the screen and select "Playback devices." Right-click your usual speakers or headset and select "Set as Default Device". 

As an added bonus, here's a site I use to loop Youtube videos for their audio: infinitelooper.com

ADDENDUM:
Ben Harrison on G+ has this advice for mac users: "I used to do a lot of electronic music, and this reminded me of a utility I used to use on the Mac called Soundflower. I believe it is still out there and works, so for anyone attempting to do this on a Mac, consider that the tip of an iceberg to explore. You should be able to redirect the audio of any app to any other, etc.  :)"

Monday, December 15, 2014

I just ran Into the Odd and it was Fun

I just ran my first session of Chris McDowall's Into the Odd. Know what was cool? Everything. More specifically? A party managed to crawl 21 rooms worth of dungeon in under 3 hours. Now that's efficient.

dat cover tho

Okay let's talk about it.

First of all I like the system. The machine ticks well. There aren't a whole lot of parts but the parts that are there carry a lot of weight. There were a few moments where we were like, "wait, how does that work again?" But the answers were always to be found in Into the Odd's 25-or-so pages of rules, usually somewhere you'd expect them to be, under a heading that made sense.

On with the session report.

One thing I wanted to do here was test out Chris's assertion that Into the Odd was a game you could just grab off the shelf and play, like any other tabletop game. I tried to play in that spirit. So I grabbed an adventure off his blog (this one, to be precise). I'd read it once before and not very attentively, but liked the creepy atmosphere and the encounter table. That was literally all the prep I'd done.

One thing that's really important to note here is the effectiveness and importance of the way Chris presents his adventures. If you plan to run this system, have a look at the link I posted, or read over the introductory module included with the free quickstart rules here. The room descriptions are pretty minimal and uncluttered. You can see a list of the most important features of a given room at a glance. This works and means you don't have to spend five minutes hemming and hawing your way through a room description with every new room, trying to distinguish what you should show from what you shouldn't. This isn't just good, efficient design - it's essential to the ethos of running with minimal prep. It means that the party can enter a room you've never read before, and you can go, "oh, there's, uh, a staircase in here, the one by which you came down, two iron trunks on the floor, a chandelier hanging from the ceiling, and a painting of soldiers hung on the south wall." If someone asks what's in the trunks, you go to the heading that says "iron trunks" and tell the player what's inside.

All that to say that I was far from well-prepared but it worked.

Character creation was fast. Like, really fast. Faster than any game I've played before. We started the session five minutes ahead of schedule and everyone already had characters. One guy had rolled an Arcanum in his starting equipment but didn't know what it was. I told him there was a list of d20 Arcana he could roll on, so he did, and he got a Bone Magnet. That was literally the extent of the time we spent fiddling over chargen. That's a tiny fraction of the time it takes to set up a game of Settlers of Catan. Even if you take the time to read a like 4-page module you'll still be ready to play in half a Catan board.

Chargen also produces fun characters. Gloomtrain's Mat Diaz rolled crap stats - his highest was a 9, and I guess his HP wasn't very high, because he started play with a Heat Ray and a whole bunch of weapons. The guys with better stats get less cool stuff. Character creation balances itself out and just about every character it produces is in some way interesting. This was awesome.

In the spirit of spontaneous play I also skipped any kind of introduction. I got straight to the dungeon. "You're outside a rusty trap door, it's creepy and no one knows what's in there. What do you do?" No lore dumping, minimal character introductions (just their names and equipment), let's go, let's play. Of course you can play D&D this way too. If anything Into the Odd's minimalism sheds light, and actually somewhat refines, the no-nonsense-let's-get-to-the-dungeon playstyle that OD&D was made for.

As for a play by play of the session, frankly, I find these boring to read and boring to write, so I'll stick to what was interesting.

The party managed to fight half of the dungeon's random encounter table in the second room. Many of the monsters on this particular were spooky and atmospheric, rather than outright dangerous. There was one monster which is generally nigh-impossible to kill, unless someone happens to have brought a Heat Ray (it's immune to damage caused by non-living material. I imagine heat isn't a material for these purposes). I think the dungeon is supposed to be a terror crawl where you're regularly fleeing from this bastard but, impressively enough, they managed to kill it. (It managed to knock two of them out first. It was quite tense.)

Here's one interesting rule we didn't quite use right, but damn is it cool. While fighting the nigh-invincible monster, Brian asked if he could "turn the heat ray all the way up." I figured, sure, why not, and told him he could Enhance the attack, but he'd have to succeed on a STR save to avoid being knocked back by the force and taking d6 damage. Just after he managed to kill it someone, I think it was Mat, dug up a thing in the rules that said that you can use an Arcanum in a slightly altered way by making a WIL save.

First of all, cool, there's a rule for bending your magic effects and it's goddamn simple.

Second, cool, it's intuitive enough that I nearly guessed it right.

The Heat Ray turned out to be the big hero of the day actually. Not only did it single-handedly take out the Big Bad, but Mat also realized he could use it to melt the locks off doors. I couldn't think of any reason to it shouldn't work and allowed them to eschew the usual roll to see if something bad notices you while you're picking the lock. Which was interesting, because there were a whole lot of locked doors.

So yeah, Arcana are cool. The asshole DM in me that wants to make everything difficult cringed a little watching them blow through every locked door, but it seemed to be fairest way to run the game. Also, Brian found a ring that lets you see in the dark but deals WIL damage when exposed to light. I remember Chris wrote a post suggesting that all D&D spells be unlimited-use, but dangerous to cast (eg. Sleep affects everyone within a certain radius, meaning the wizard either needs to risk running into a group of monsters alone or put their friends to sleep too. Nice.) That ethos evident in the ring and I would like to have found a way to apply it to the Heat Ray.

Anyway, because virtually all of the dungeon's combat encounters were on the wandering monsters table, and because most of them were unique, there was virtually no fighting after the second room. I felt a bit weird about this because I had to keep up the illusion that the players were in danger to keep the dungeon interesting, but they weren't, really. There was nothing left that could surprise them. Fortunately the dungeon itself was creepy and fucked up enough that they kept their guards up throughout. I'd like to put it out there that this particular module is peppered with a bunch of cool plot hooks. I could imagine turning the questions it raises into a brief campaign.

In closing:

The game stood up to the test of off-the-shelf play very well. I can imagine a group of brand new roleplayers grokking it within, what, 20 minutes. It doesn't ask for the nearly the same amount of buy-in as most systems in being used today, including any edition of D&D.  You don't have to choose equipment. You don't even have to choose a class. More importantly you don't need to worry about character personality or backstory, which can be daunting to new players, and which tends work itself out in play as the need arises anyway. Four dice rolls, pick a name, and you're ready to go. The modules are well-presented, fun, and easy to run,

Things I'd like to see from Into the Odd:
- I'd like to run it with a group of people who have never played an RPG before. I can really see it going over well. It's also fairly easy to hack into whatever setting/aesthetic you prefer, and I could imagine it working really really well with kids. Its simplicity is a treasure.
- I'd be willing to pay for a big book of short modules - dungeons, hexcrawls, what have you - all no more than 6 pages long and written in Chris's format. I could imagine a dearth of ready-to-run materials impeding the possibility of playing off the shelf.
- I'd also pay for a book of Arcana. Although I'd be happiest of all if the book in that last bullet point also happened to have a chapters that's just like, d100 more Arcana at every tier. Tall order I know. But I'd be like a kid in a candy store.

So, what are you waiting for? Go get the damn book. Or if you can't afford it, get the Chris-approved free version, save your quarters, and then buy the damn book because it's like 15 dollars and this game deserves at least that. Did I mention all the rules you need to play fit on one page? Goddamn. And start writing those dungeons and Arcana and stuff so I can steal your ideas. I'll write some too, promise. Then we can all have a big fat folder full of stuff to run whenver someone's like, "hey, let's play that weird dungeon game."

P.S. Having some more thoughts I wanted to put out there.

The Death & Dying rules are clever. Basically unless the thing you're fighting is particularly nasty, being taken out in combat means you're unconscious and will die if no one helps you within an hour. The only reason for your party to let you die is because they're also out of commission. Once the danger has passed you can spend a few minutes resting up and get all your HP back. This means a character is unlikely to be taken out of the game unless they all do. So there's little chance of having to roll up a new dude mid-game. Nice.

P.P.S. ONE LAST THING SORRY. Noah Stevens is running Into the Odd games on G+. If you want to try this system, it looks like he's your man. I can't play because I'm in the wrong timezone, but I will be playing with him in a few weeks as part of his new podcast project. So you can look forward to that.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

One Thousand Players

This post is, by nature, not gamable. It's pure thoughtsturbation. But I'm having fun so sue me.

What if any NPC, or vaguely personifiable non-player element, in an RPG, could be represented by a player?

Like, you press a button on your phone and a dude scurries in ready to play the role you need filled.

So the PCs are slogging through the mud fields outside Mudville. They're looking for information about the evil wizard Katazang. They see a mud farmer, farming mud. They approach him. You push your button. A random guy runs into the room. You hand him a piece of paper. It says your name is Dirtsly. You are a mud farmer. Most of your livestock is dead because harvests have been bad the last few years. You spend most of your time dreaming of making love to a princess you saw a semi-incompetent etching of that one time you got to look at a book. How you feel about adventurers and just about anything else is your call.

You tell him, "four of heavily armed adventurers come up to you. What do you guys look like?"

WIZARD: "Well, we're mostly caked in mud."
THIEF: "I'm hiding in the mud. Do I have to roll?"
DM: "No, you don't. Okay, you only see three adventurers."
MUD FARMER: "I'm pretty good with mud."
YOU: "Okay, fair. Thief, roll Hide in Shadows."
THIEF: "I make it."
DM: "Three adventurers."
FIGHTER: "I have three swords and I'm holding two of them. I have huge battlescars everywhere. My sword occasionally screams profanity. It's gnarly and reddish brown."
WIZARD: "I'm missing both my eyes but one of them is on a necklace I'm wearing. There are four ioun stones circling my head. Parts of my robes are missing and sometimes you can see my dong."
CLERIC: "I'm holding a holy symbol of the Sky Lord. My armour is dented."
MUD FARMER: "What are you doing hanging out with these guys? The Sky Lord is supposed to be righteous and orderly and they seem terrible."
CLERIC: "Frankly I'm not sure. I think I'm having a crisis of faith."

The fighter starts talking in that fucking tone of voice he uses when he's getting bored and wants to keep the game moving.

FIGHTER: "Er, hail mud farmer! We are adventurers seeking to purge this land of the foul influence of the wizard Katazang! Do you know of his whereabouts?"
MUD FARMER: "Do I?"
DM: [Hands him a paper saying northish, you're not really sure. He's not nearly as troublesome as these recent crop failures.]
MUD FARMER: "You schmucks! Jerks like you once stayed at my farm! Fucking adventurers! They drank the place dry, and when I woke up they were gone, my nephew was unconscious and bleeding everywhere, and two of my chickens were gone!"
FIGHTER: "That wasn't us."
WIZARD: "Could have been us. Don't pretend that doesn't sound like something we've done."
FIGHTER: "We've never done it here, though."
THIEF: "I'm still hiding in the mud, right?"
MUD FARMER: "Get a job!"

Not sure why I'm dragging out this example besides that I'm having fun. Point being instead of making a reaction roll you bring in another player, tell them their motivation, and let them figure out the rest.

Does this work well in actual play? No, it's pretty much impossible.

I'm gonna keep going anyway,

So say the fighter later fails his save vs. disease. Instead of figuring out what fucking interval to ask for saving throws to determine how the disease progresses, you bring in someone to roleplay the disease. You give them a goddamn stat sheet and tell them they wind if they kill the fighter. The fighter's trying to attack a three-headed ogre, the disease rolls to give him a coughing fit at the worst possible time. You could also personify like a wizard's spells to determine what happens when he misfires. Like, "you are an ethereal being of Pure Sleep who was pulled out of his native plane to be trapped for the past four hours in a Wizard's brain. He just messed up the words to release you in a controlled fashion and now you have about ten seconds in the Material Plane in which to do what you want before you zap back to your place of origin. What do you do?"

Or. The old cleric dies but that player is one of those players and rolls up a new cleric. This one worships Great Grandmother Winter. So you bring in someone to play Great Grandmother Winter, and you tell her what level of existence she operates at and what kind of cosmic struggle she's embroiled in this millenium and ask her how she's dealing with it. And then you interrupt her answer mid-sentence to tell her some asshole she's barely heard of (he's 1st level. There are so many of those...) is praying at the top of his lungs at her.

GREAT GRANDMOTHER WINTER: "What do you want?"
NEW CLERIC: "Oh Great Grandmother Winter, Eternal Queen of the Wailing Winds, Mistress of the-"
GREAT GRANDMOTHER WINTER: "Can you make it quick? Cthulhu's in the middle of pulling some shit."
NEW CLERIC: "Can you heal the thief?"
GREAT GRANDMOTHER WINTER: "Heal the thief? What is he stealing Loki's amulet of universal mischief?"
NEW CLERIC: "No, we pissed off the town guards when he hit them because the Fighter doesn't want to pay his tab at the inn and so he tried to sleep with the innkeeper's wife and she called the guards."
GREAT GRANDMOTHER WINTER: "Are you fucking kidding? I send an ice storm after him."
DM: "For how long?"
GREAT GRANDMOTHER WINTER: "Forever."

Thursday, December 4, 2014