I was a player (for once) in Mateo Diaz's Pernicious Albion.
Dramatis Personae
- Arnold K as a Goldenloin, 1st-level Warlock and former child prostitute.
- Anxious Princess (formerly known as Wil) as Grover Moses, 1st-level specialist.
- Jessica Nobletush (male, despite the name), 1st-level vampire, played by yours truly. Also his enchanted thrall Mr. Crushmore.
A wizard sent us into some old dungeon to catch a carbuncle that was living in there, and/or, extract the gem from its head, before the local zoological society could get their filthy preservationist paws on it. The prize was something like 2000 gp. So at this point it was just me and Arnold and we bought some nets and went to the dungeon.
Then we got to the dungeon and Mateo asked if we had torches and we were like "fuck" and rustled up some sticks or something and went in.
We explored so much of the dungeon you guys:
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| it felt kind of good being Those Fucking Players who explore 2 rooms and ditch |
The first room was full of pressure plates with pictures of animals. We managed to figure out the room's like thematics (the west side was nice animals and east was mean animals) and we figured out that the unicorn tile makes the dungeon rumble or something and then we left the room because players.
So we went out the west door and found a room full of corpses which it soon turned out was also full of centipedes so we left.
Back in the first room there was the Carbuncle and we were like yesssss so Arnold offered it some cheese and the rules we're using it don't distinguish between humanoids and other things for the Charm spell so I made it love me and we cuddled it and then we wrapped it up in a net.
Then the zoological society showed up and they were assholes and were like GIVE US THE CARBUNCLE and we tried to lie to them but they pulled guns. So we bolted back towards the centipede room. Then we go there and Mateo mentioned the west wall was made of stucco. I bet he mentioned this like three times before but players. So anyway I was like OHHHHH STUCCO and sent Mr. Crushmore to body check it and there was a secret passage.
Then we found a way out of the dungeon and there was a pool of water with something metal sticking out of which I took but now I forget what it was.
Anyway we get out there and I stretch my net. Before long their leader whose name is Dr. Strabismus or something, I got it his name wrong like 100 times. Anyway so he tore through the net and fell flat on the ground. So I ran him through with my rapier and we looted his body. We found a really goth looking black ring and my character is kinda goth so I took it. Then Mateo told us both to check our G+ messages.
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| Fun fact: Out of the last 9 D&D sessions I've played in, my character has died or gone insane in 6. Not counting this one. |
So I tried really hard to play it cool and I was like "so we're stealing horses and heading back to town?" and Arnold was like "yeah we have 5 horses let's go" and I was like "ohhh but who has the Carbuncle" and he was like "I do but I'm tiny so you should take it" and I was like "ok that sounds normal."
Then halfway back to town I was like YOU FOOL I WAS POSSESSED BY THE BAD GUY THE WHOLE TIME and rode off into the sunset and rolled up stats for Mr. Crushmore.
So we headed to town and set a trap for possessed-Jessica by suspending a rope across the entrance to the town and when Jessica came riding in he flew off the horse and broke all his bones. At which point I scooped him into his coffin (he carries it around) and we started talking about what to do with him. Arnold wanted to cut off the finger with the ring on it but the wording of the Charm person Crushmore is under indicates that Mr. Crushmore is in love with Jessica so I wasn't having that. Eventually Arnold decided to discard his weapons and use some strings to slip the ring off the finger. In order to make sure Arnold didn't get possessed, Mr. Crushmore mentioned that whatever question he asked after removing the ring, the answer was "3 geese."
So when Wil showed up there was a child with strings wrapped around the fingers of a badly mangled vampire and a big burly man hovering over him with his fist ready to knock him out. Jessica's demeanor changed some.
Arnold said, "Jessica, say something only Jessica would know!"
Jessica said, "3 geese."
It's their safe word. <3
Anyway so I'm Jessica again now.
Then we were like oh but what about this evil fucking ring. So I tied a worm around it and put the worm (now possessed by Dr. Strabismus) in a bag. Then we went into an inn and Arnold started a betting pool going to rope suckers into feeding me their blood so I could regenerate HP.
At this point we spent a while deciding what body to put Dr. Strabismus in. We decided a turtle would be funniest. So we dropped a bunch of money on a turtle and a special shell modification that would keep hold the ring in contact with the turtle.
Finally we went back to the magician who set us on this job with the Carbuncle, which still loved me.
ME: So, will extracting the gem hurt the Carbuncle?
MATEO: Oh, it'll be excruciating.
ME: Will it survive?
MATEO: Absolutely not.
While we argued about how we might save the poor thing or whether we should at all the magician's assistant came in, collected the creature and handed us our reward money.
MATEO: They take it into another room.
ARNOLD: I get up and leave.
ME: Yeah I'm out of here.
MATEO: Okay well you hear it-
WIL: I'm gone.
ME: We're all gone.
MATEO: From outside you hear it shrieking.
So Mateo's a jerk. Anyway.
Our plans for the future involve bewitching Dr. Strabismus into liking us while he's still trapped in a turtle's body, then when he's loyal to us we'll put the ring on like an ogre or something.
I love D&D.
End.
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| I FUCKING KILLED YOU |
